Book Review: Beside Myself by Ann Morgan

Beside Myself by Ann Morgan

(Goodreads)

No one believes Helen when she insists she isn’t Ellie, and suddenly, everything that used to be Helen’s—from her toys to her friends to her identity—now belongs to her sister. With those around her oblivious to her plight, the girl who used to be Helen loses her sense of self and withdraws into a spiral of behavioral problems, delinquency, and mental illness. In time, she’s not even sure of her memory of the switch.  

Twenty-five years later, she receives a call that threatens to pull her back into her sister’s dangerous orbit. Will she take this chance to face her past?

Thanks to Bloomsbury USA at NetGalley for providing me with an eARC!

I had a huge headache around seventy or so pages in. And I'm sure Helen (Ellie? Smudge?) had more than a headache to deal with after this childhood fiasco. The premise to this novel immediately grabbed me when I came across it; it's incredibly frustrating when no one believes something that you know to be the absolute truth and what's even worse is when someone's lie is believed over your truth. Honestly, this has happened to me (mostly as a child) and has driven me to tears and resentment so I can't imagine what my life would be like if I was in Helen's place.

(To avoid confusion, I will refer to Helen as 'the main character' hereafter.) 

Beside Myself alternates each chapter from two different points of views: the main character's present and past. It was really interesting to see the POV change from first person to second person to third; it really showed how detached the main character became. However, I believe that the switching back and forth between POVs is what actually gave me a headache, it's definitely a lot to keep up with.

It was hard not to gloss over some of the early chapters of the main character's present because of how descriptive they were. It does make it seem like a slow start at the beginning, but thankfully the plot quickly picks up after that. I wouldn't say I'm disappointed with the ending, but I did leave incredibly frustrated. Since I was reading this as an ebook, what I thought were about 40 more pages of the novel were actually just blank pages.

I would have liked the ends to be tied a bit neater and more of the main character explored. There's so many questions that I felt she didn't ask: time she spent silenced, waiting for answers for questions she never asked. A lot of the time growing up, it seemed as if she was an only child when in reality she was a twin who shared a room with said sister. Was their time together really spent in radio silence? Was there never a shared moment or another attempt to reveal the truth, at least between them?

Nevertheless, this novel gives you a really close-up look at how a mental illness can develop in early childhood and what can happen when it's swept under the rug. It made me tremendously sad to see the main character develop so many unhealthy thinking patterns and cope with them in unhealthy ways. But honestly, who can blame her? When no one wants to believe you, it makes you not want to believe anyone, including yourself.

Memorable Quote 

"And that is when I learn the secret: that you don't have to be anyone. You don't have to be Helen or Ellie. You don't have to be any kid of person. You can just float up through the branches into the sky like balloon, until you are far away looking down on the people scurrying about their Christmases like ants and no one can touch you at all." (111)